As a dog, I have to admit, sometimes I don’t understand my “human.” What’s the big rush to get out of bed in the morning? Everything is all nice and warm and cozy, and he wants to get up out of bed. It happens every single day!

Most mornings I just ignore him and stay in bed while he clatters about the house. I choose sleeping over most things, sometimes even food. And I certainly don’t want any of that funny smelling black stuff he drinks in the morning. What’s wrong with drinking good old water? Besides, you never burn your tongue on water (or stain your tie).

After a while, he lets me know it’s time to leave for work. The jingle of his keys typically works, but a whistle, or a “C’mon, Tank!” leaves zero doubt. I do love our morning commute; there are so many interesting things to smell along the way! Like clockwork, the two rear car windows roll all the way down (just how I like it), which allows me to get my entire nose out there for olfactory inspection. This is a nice way to ease into my day, as I have a very important job to do once we get to the funeral home. I am the Head Comfort Giver and Lead Inspector of Anything New.

Once we arrive at the funeral home, I do a complete security patrol of the facility. One can never be too careful! Every dog pack knows that new things should be regarded with great suspicion. Coats that are left behind or new packages in the hallways make me nervous. It’s my duty to guard my human at all times, so I do a thorough inspection of these new potential “threats.” After sufficient sniffing, I usually run past the questionable item quickly, or bark and refuse to get close, just in case it might try and jump out at me. There are a few things I already know to be scary – boots, vacuums, and umbrellas, to name a few. I insist that these items be removed at once! I may be fierce, but I’m not foolish!

After my security patrol is complete, I go upstairs to the offices and check to see how all of the other humans are doing. It can get a little confusing, because some of them look a lot alike. It makes me wonder if they are all from the same litter or something. But they all smell different. The nose knows!

When I hear the doorbell ring, I am always the first to bark and sound the alarm that new people are here to see us. The dog code is straightforward: bark whenever we hear a doorbell, period, end of story. But then there is the very scary Fed Ex driver – I can’t bark enough at him! Sometimes I think I might just be a tad anxious. Heck, sometimes even employees will scare the heck out of me!

Luckily most people who come to the door aren’t FedEx drivers. When new people stop by the funeral home, I make sure that I’m there to greet them. A handsome, friendly fellow like me puts everyone at ease. They talk to me and pat my head, and tell me about their own four-legged friends. I don’t want to burst their bubble, but my nose already told me everything I needed to know about their pets. However, being polite is really important, so I listen to what they say anyway. Plus, I’m always happy to help out by offering some canine companionship.

When I am not inspecting new things or greeting visitors, I station myself at the top of the steps on the second floor, where I can monitor everything that’s going on. Even if I’m not officially invited down to the arrangement office to meet with a new family, I typically slink down on my own – just in case my invitation was a mere oversight. No sense taking that risk!

In between doorbells and appointments, I try to find a good place to take a nap – I have a few favorite spots. Funny thing is, none of the humans take naps. They sit at their desks a lot of the day, where they talk on the phone and look at some sort of screen. It doesn’t look very entertaining. I’m surprised they haven’t tried just looking out the window for fun. It’s the best! They are constantly giving me belly rubs, treats and potty breaks, so I keep my opinions about the way in which they spend their time to myself.

By the time the end of the day rolls around, we’re all exhausted! I always have my work wrapped up by 5PM, but these humans like to hang out late lots of evenings. I am easily the most underpaid employee, but the perks of the job are what keep bringing me back. Between the new people I get to meet, the constant love and attention from co-workers, and the ability to take naps literally whenever, I think I have it pretty much made.

My name is Tank, and I have to say I enjoy busting my tail at Parthemore Funeral Home.